INFORMATION CONTACT US LINKS In 1986, a tubby teenage Dave Pearce went swimming with dolphins in Ibiza (much to the amusement of school wag Jonathan Pinter who joked that he's so fat that he'd actually gone swimming with a family of whales). However, things took a downward turn when spotting ample room to do so, Blowhole (the most evolved member of the dolphins) gave him a quick gash with his fin and laid a surrogate egg straight into Dave's stomach. The damp conditions inside Dave meant that Blowhole's baby was able to live, breathe and grow in relative comfort - and over time it learnt to control Dave's actions via nosing the appropriate nerve endings. Eventually the baby grew into and took over Dave's entire body. You see, the dolphins had a plan. No longer would they be the second most intelligent species. Using Dave - alongside fellow dolphin conrolled youth spokespeople like Lisa I'Anson, Gary Lucy, Sara Cox and Timmy Magic from the dream team - their hope is to encourage the dumbing down of our society by devaluing subtlety and blocking the flow of shame to the groin - so that, by contrast, their society becomes more clever. Meanwhile, their own kind would be bred to be of increasing intelligence. Indeed, in October 1998, the first dolphin swam down to the center of the earth - the aquatic equivalent of first man standing on the moon. So next time you see someone with big eyes drinking lots of water in a club, they most probably have a dolphin looking out of their eyes which is just trying to keep itself hydrated. Of course, instead of dumbing down humans, the dolphins could become superior simply by becomming more intelligent themselves, but dumbing down humans at the same time halved the work. Dave hopes to build a party island where time passes four times slower so that when the girls go out at 7, by 11 they have been drinking for the equavalent of 16 hours and so are at their most charming. Dave has kindly produced for us a three step guide for DJing in which he shows us how to mix smoothly out of a terrible cover version of Madonna's 'Express Yourself' where the man singing it has changed "him" to "her" in the lyrics so as not to appear gay, despite how gay doing a Madonna cover version is - no matter how dull-ly 'real music' you do it. Click Here to Play (requires sound) Dave believes that the left testicle produces boys and the right girls. Dave enjoys drinking alcopops, but to prove that he's not being girly, he always downs it in one and then eats the bottle. In 1990, Dave finally managed to replace all his vinyl with CDs. Two months ago, he finally managed to replace all his CDs with vinyl so he can DJ. Dave has worn a cap ever since the time he saw Sara Cox's brain fall out at Bugged Out. He was scared the same thing would happen to him. Whilst in his bosses' office, Dave noticed a list with his name just under Mark Goodier. Above it was a crossed out Kevin Greening. "Why", wondered Dave, "are Sarah Cox and Namone and all those youngsters not getting a card this year?". Next to the card was a still from the film 'Logan's Run' - the Carousel scene. "That looks like the sort of film I'd like", said Dave, "A bit mad." Dave once overheard some kids saying "It's all gone a bit Dave Pearce". "I think you meant Pete Tong" corrected Dave proudly at his knowledge of youth speak. The kids simply looked at him and burst out laughing. PRETEND PAPARAZZI