INFORMATION CONTACT US LINKS When Brian Harvey was scalped by a mad axeman last year, spilling thoughts, memories and dreams out from his head onto the pavement, one memory blew upon the night breeze in through the ear of a passing dog. The result of this being that the dog now believes it performed 'Stay Another Day' whilst dressed as an eskamo on the 'Top of the Pops' xmas special 1997 and can't work out how it went from those dizzy heights to being a tramp's companion. Tony Mortimer quit East 17 when his dog Levi died. Loyally, he went to sit on it's grave in the pet cemetary, exchanging memories of walks in the park and catch the stick with Adamski who has been sat on Dis' grave since late '90. John and Terry now work as roadies for Meatloaf. Before each gig, they look around to check noone is about and for old times sake perform a version of "If You Ever" on the stage. For the song, John plays Brian and Terry sings the Gabrielle parts - the effect of which he adds to by winking at such a velocity that his right eye blurs, thus giving the appearance of a patch. This story came to light courtesy of songstress Lolly, who oversaw them when she was up in the rafters of one venue, dressed as a fairy, whilst waiting for the panto rehearsals which were scheduled for after the gig. They never knew she was there. When Brian abused his position as a role model to the youth and praised using exstasy - 98% of his fans decided to take the love drug themselves because of it. The other 2% tried to get some, but didn't know how to pronounce 'e'. Brian's special move in a fight is to shove an e into the mouth of his assailant and run away with them chasing until the effect has kicked in and their mood has changed from wanting to punch him into affectionately wanting to cuddle in the corner of the carpark. As a teenager, Brian was caught graffiting easily, as he musunderstood the concept of a 'tag' and wrote "Brian Harvey" all over the GLR train to Manchester. However, he was cleared because he'd used poster paint and the evidence was washed away when the train passed under a man pissing off a bridge. Highly strung foul mouthed illiterate NadMenz@aol.com contacted me to say (warning: childish language) "YOU FUCKIN BASTARD WHY YA DO THIS TO BRIAN??? DON'T YA THINK THAT HE HAD ENOUGH PROBLEMS AFTER HIS ATTACK?? COULDN'T YA MAKE YA FUCKING LAUGH ABOUT OTHER STARS?? WHY YA DON'T LEAVE BRIAN ALONE??WHAT HE DONE 2 YA THAT YA WROTE THIS FUCKING CRAP HERE ABOUT HIM??? WHO DO U THINK YA ARE??YOU PISS ME OFF!! NUFFING ON YA STORYS HERE ARE FUNNY!!!!!!!NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! WHY YA DO THIS???I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT!! I'LL TELL BRIAN ABOUT THIS FUCK WATCH OUT MF!! I HATE YA,LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!" Which is scarey - he might break my virtual legs. Anyway, I replied thus: "Hello Soldier, I have corrected your spelling - 5/10. Your caps lock is on. You may want to correct this in order to prevent you making the same mistake in an exam or a slaugher house job interview situation. "YOU FUCKINg BASTARD. WHY did you DO THIS TO BRIAN? Do you not THINK THAT HE HAD ENOUGH PROBLEMS AFTER HIS ATTACK? COULDN'T You MAKE YA FUCKING LAUGH ABOUT OTHER STARS?? (sorry, this sentance makes no sense) WHY DON'T you LEAVE BRIAN ALONE? WHAT has HE DONE to you THAT made you WRiTE THIS FUCKING CRAP on your website ABOUT HIM? WHO DO you THINK you ARE? YOU PISS ME OFF! Nothing in your site is FUNNY!NOTHING! WHY Did you do THIS? I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT. I'LL TELL BRIAN ABOUT THIS FUCK. WATCH OUT MF!! You can't be both M and F - make your mind up. I HATE You. LEAVE HIM ALONE. Hope to hear from you soon. Love and big snogs, Richard (Manager - Monkeon Publishing Corp)" Anyway, they say today's youth are apathetic so this perhaps is a sign that future generations will save us all with their idol worship and misplaced anger. For his response to my email, he seemed to have learnt a few lessons in grammar - such as the rule "!!!!!" after "!" except after "????". "FUCK OFF!!!! YOU THINK THAT YA ARE VERY IMPORTANT RIGHT???? SHUT UP AND WRITE YA FUCKING STORIES ABOUT OTHER STARS AND DON'T TRY TO CORRECT MY MESSAGE!! FUCK YA " Because of this change of heart, my review of Nad's (fnar) email was more favourable this time: "Swear count: 3 7/10 - "just like Irvin Welsh... on e" Tony Parsons." He didn't respond to this but I'm not going to let this new friend get away - I'm lonely and psychotic - so I thought I'd write from my alter-ego's address. He only speaks in lower case so they should get on. "hey nad! remember me? i saw ure entry on friendsreunited and thought that id drop you a line to see what ure up 2 nowadayz even thouh havnt seen u in what ten yrs?. im cuurently on dole - now live in liverpool - shit eh??? u still got that manky dog?? must be dead old now if u have. wud luv to hear frm u mc brogsta" I'm guessing that he owns a pitbull on a string, and so that description should make sense. Now all I can do is wait to see if after all these years I've finally made a friend... 'Julie Cesar et Brian Lee Harvey' contacted me in a more well mannered way to say "Hi, I don't know why you did it about Brian but i haven't laugh or maybe i can't understand your jokes!!" Well, I didn't do it, as I don't live in London and I'm not manly enough to own my own axe. However, I assume whoever did it probably did because they were jealous of his fame and just so happened to have taken an axe out with them that night. I also notice that Julie's 'partner' is called Brian Harvey - whereby some of the confustion may have arisen. I wonder if he's the brown haired Brian Harvey of boyband East 17, as opposed to the white haired Brian Harvey who's always been into garage and clubbing and did the amusingly titled flop "Straight Up (no bends)". Yes, that's my theory. The above stuff is about both in that case. Weeks went by then Brian Burton (brian.burton1@ntlworld.com) contacted me to say Subject: You fanny hahahahahahahahahhahahaha Hahaha you prick, mf stands for mother fucker (your middle name) and Nady is a female you ponce! You can print this because I don’t give two shits mate; you’re a pussy with no life and no true facts. You point out so humorously the spelling mistakes of others, yet you can’t even spell ecstasy hahahaha. Oh my god, you twat! Your site is very funny, but I’m laughing at you, not at all with you, so leave Brian Harvey alone, you don’t know him, Nady and Julie do and have met him several times. All u seem to have done is made stupid retarded comments on Brian Harvey which u have twisted (even more) from press coverage. so if your level of intelligence is that of the papers, it is obviously less than I can ever understand. Keep up the good work (of making a fool of yourself) D" Damn, I can't even spell ecstasy. Still, it's better than my spellings of heronujn, canbos and majiana. I'll never be able to buy drugs at this rate - and then I'll never have kewl friends like these. Anyway, response time once more, as follows: "Dear Brian, Thanks ever so for explaining my jokes to me. It is very kind of you. My middle name is Johanasberg, named after the place I was conceived - though 'Mother Fucker' would also perhaps be applicable as a place of conception. Close, but no cigar. (or bong pipe if you would prefer - drugs are so cool and underground). It's good that Nady can know Brian after only meeting him a couple of times. In a similar way, I feel as if I know everything about you lot from merely a few e-mails. Take care - no bends, Rico" Brooke writes Just like to point out the fact that Levi was never Tony's dog, it was John's. Now, I know you're trying to make some sort of living from writing pathetic articles slagging the famous off, but I do think it would be much more professional to actually do a little bit of research so that the few little facts you throw into your article might even be true. So that one day you might even be able to get a real job. And just for the record, I don't even really care what your small mind thinks of Brian Harvey, because its not at all a new thing to slag him off, he's been slagged of by the media for years! All I know is that everybody has different tastes and opinions in music and just like I respect music I don't like, so should everyone else. Just because something doesn't make it into the charts doesn't mean its not any good, and vice versa." Which is amusing because the press slagged him off for being convicted of something along the lines of planting drugs on his ex in order to get custody of the kid. What's the world coming to when a popstar can't do that without getting a slagging by the press? Finally, 'K' (I could put a Kafka joke here and increase my chances of getting a write up in the broadsheets) - contacted me: Hi I work for a multimedia franchise attached to the BBC, I was asked to produced some draught copy work for Harvey a couple of years ago which involved him visiting my premises to view the artwork. He was about as 'east end hardnut' style(ie) as you could get although quite funny and very 'double bubble' with the sexy chat, being gay myself I cottoned on strait away so despite his cocksure arrogance it struck me that he would 'wop it out' at the drop of a hat if he thought he could get it sucked! He took two lines of cocaine whilst in my office like he was showing off the fact that he could if he wanted, nothing happened but he is a wicked geezer and I will always remember our meeting. Sorry to all those who love his manly hardness, but I can assure you that like most blokes Brian will do anything if there's something in it for him! k Which is brilliant. PRETEND PAPARAZZI