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When Will Self was a child, a DIY delivery van with a convoy of brass
lettering
for house signs on board crashed into his house, and his garden was
covered in a pile of shiny letters for months.
Young Will invited his neighbours Martin Amis and Nick Hornby around
to play in his alphabet sandpit - and by the end of the year, each
of the kids had been moved up two years in their English class as a
result of their letters games.
However, this fun was brought to an end when
school bully
Irvine Welsh claimed it as his own, kicking out the gang
and wallowing randomly in the words, pretending to enjoy it in
the exact same way as he had seen the other kids enjoying their
play in the letters.
To get Irvine back for his theft of the pit, Will decided to
steal away Irvine's best friend Stuart Granger. Sadly Stuart was a
smack head, who led Will astray - and by taking him away, Irvine
was left to
only guess as to what heroin is like. This meant the first draft of
'Trainspotting' featured the magical psychedelic adventure of a bunch of heroin
adicts on a flying technicolour brocolli car.
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Will's first word was 'Aardvark'. By the time he was two, he could speak
every word that begins with 'A' or 'B' and by his teens, he knew every
word up to V, and by 20 - everything in the entire dictionary.
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The concise Oxford English Dictionary add words as and when they come out
of Will's mouth. Hence, 'Spamoflage' was added when he was having
an argument about e-mails replacing books with Nicky Campbell.
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Will's favorite word is 'a'. It's simple but irreplacable.
Like railway cleaners.
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Because Will has to be very clever all the time for work, he finds he
can only wind down by doing extremely
childish and silly things. A result of this is that he was once
arrested for hanging around the shopping arcade on bikes with a gang of twelve
year olds, delighting in spitting a thesarus of swear words at any unfortunate elderly
person to pass.
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A young Will stormed out of 'Mary Poppins' because "Superfragalisticexpialidocious" is
not a real word and that really pissed him off.
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The planned contestants on the next celebrity big brother are Will,
Jim Davidson, Elvira: Mistress of the dark and Clare Sweeney again
(apparently, she's got an album out or something and wants to remind
everyone that she is lovely.)
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Will has solved the secret of life, but isn't telling anyone as
it goes against his religious beliefs.
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