digital hardcore,  progressive techno,  acid beats,  ironic breaks  intelligent drill 'n' bass  nu media  drug reviews  illegible fonts  fashionable protests MEGACENTRIA! Underground Shock Hardcore Available at Woolworths content by www.monkeon.co.uk Product: M@llard 6 - 5 minutes 47 (Rephlex Remix) 5 minutes 47 seconds of complete silence put into a different order by all the artists signed to Rephlex in some big "We are the world" style collaberation. NOTE: When filtered through a wall, silence soudwaves are polarised into the loudest bass - so, don't worry, your neighbours will still be able to hear how good you are at DJing. RRP £4.99 OUR PRICE £5.99 Product: Fisher Price Magic Decks This nifty little system actually does the mixing for you and each one even comes with a unique DJ name - meaning that all you have to worry about is sitting back and taking all the credit for your marvelous taste. "One of the best purchases of my life" DJ 658373b (Fuzzcracker, Hull) RRP £1044.99 OUR PRICE £2.99 Product: MacShit t-shirt. Why not mock MacDonalds for being highly successful at making money by buying one of these highly expensive t-shirts. Designed by M@lcolm Jefferies, who learnt his trade working on the very trendy Ad-Busters and who now runs a successful marketing company in Kent. They're not even as funny as that sinister 'They do Ron Ron' MacDonalds advertising campaign, but never mind, as they'll look great with those jeans with the seagulls on the pockets. RRP £34.99 OUR PRICE £34.99 DOWNLOAD OUR EXLUSIVE MOBILE PHONE LOGOS Product: Video sampling collection. Our set of everyone-has-seen cult videos provides many sampling opportunities. Why not take a sample from 'Resevoir Dogs' or 'The Matrix'. That wouldn't be cliched in the slightest. In fact it would be well cool. If you need to make a bit of cash on the side, how about a sample from the cult kids TV show collection - though don't forget to use an alias for if you get caught making a novelty record then your credability levels could approach zero. RRP £100 OUR PRICE £99.99 Product: Cannabis World Magazine issue 7. Stretched out now to seven issues may have made some of the articles sound like desperate attempts to fill space - "A million ways to say 'weed'", "Growing hemp in small spaces". However, it still would look very cool to have under your arm. You can't even get arrested for owning a copy! How cool is that? Very cool. RRP £3.99 OUR PRICE £3.99 Pretend to be younger than you actually are with our Fake IDs. Product: Mu-Ziq remix of the 'Wuthering Heights' talking book. In this remix of the classic Emily Bronte novel, listen how Heathcliffe gets high with Cathy, but whose relationship is ultimately doomed because he likes progressive techno and she, intelligant breaks. "The greatest gift she'll get this year is love." Bono. RRP £4.99 OUR PRICE £5.99 Product: The very Graphical Catterpillar - Sue Redmond Why not spoil your exctasy induced children with this story about a caterpillar who re-designs everything he comes accross to make it more slick. Square leaves - brilliant! A round chrysalys - Genius! And a pear shaped butterfly tops it all. RRP £3.99 OUR PRICE £3.78 +VAT Product: DJ FastHead - Unlistenable Record A record that literally is unlistenable since the frequencies used makes your bowels open and your ears pop. Ideal for telling people that they just don't get it. Furthermore, it's on the same label as the Aphex Twin's cousin, and therefor it must be good. Please note: Best before date is 2 weeks time, when it becomes instant kitch / old school. RRP £2.99 OUR PRICE £2.99 Product: Madonna Going on And Off Art installation by acclaimed young British artist Sarah Lucas - who uses humour to question art. In this piece, she has used the humour of Mike Read (the lewd one, not the conservative DJ). It would look very good installed in between your broken soda stream and the aceeeed face cushion with the hot rock burns. Click here for viewing. RRP PRICELESS OUR PRICE YOUR SOUL Product: Pocket Mark Thomas For when you don't have an opinion on a political matter - instead of saying nothing and not being the focus of attention, why not consult with a pocket Mark Thomas and copy his opinions exactly without doing any of your own research. Right on. Caution: Will almost certainly make you a hypocite. RRP £7.99 OUR PRICE £7.99 Product: Clubbers guide books Thinking of taking a holiday, but don't want to see the culture, or the daylight? How about buying our handy clubbers guides so that when you get there you can easily slip in to doing exactly what you do at home - at twice the price. How cool is that? Das IST supercool. RRP £2.99 OUR PRICE £3.99 Product: Sleeveless Shirt by Marcus D'Potts All the sleeves cut off the shirts which Marcus used to make his 'faux-second-hand' sleeveless tops last year sewn together to make a very fasionable sleeveless top. Ideal for winter. RRP £89.78 OUR PRICE £119.99 Product: Fake book sleeves. Place these fake books on your shelf and people coming to listen to you DJ in your bedroom will automatically believe your musical tastes must also be based on a similar level of intelligence. Although everyone knows that lyrics in music are rubbish, perhaps you could use a sample of MC Klunk reading an out of context line from Martin Amis' 'Dead Babies' which would make drugs sound well cool. Books include Hunter S Thomson, William Buroughs.. in fact, every book which you can buy from the rather cliched 'cult' collection available at your local HMV. Each is an exact replica of the book, but edited such that it only contains the five most quotable lines in order to save you valuable time in which you can get wasted and discuss what you're going to do with your life when you can be arsed to become a successful musician which you could do easily by just emailing a 25 second demo of you mixing Magic Stairez 'Blissful' into Eiffel 65 'Blue' (Scissorkicks remix - which is credible, it's just that the original was the wrong way round) to an appropriate website. When you can be bothered. RRP £144.99 OUR PRICE £0.99 All products are released in a limited edition of 1 Sorry - everything has sold out, which doesn't really matter since we didn't have a five minute slick flash front end to catch your attention in the first place.